The Body I’m Building, The Battle I’m Fighting

BESIDES BUILDING KIMINI FROM THE GROUND UP, PREPARING FOR MY FIRST BODYBUILDING SEASON HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING—AND OBVIOUSLY CHALLENGING—JOURNEYS I’VE EVER TAKEN ON. AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BUILT A BRAND AROUND CONFIDENCE, FEMININITY, AND FEELING GOOD IN YOUR OWN SKIN, I DIDN’T FULLY ANTICIPATE HOW MUCH THIS PROCESS WOULD TEST MY MINDSET AS MUCH AS MY BODY.

RIGHT NOW, I’M IN A BODY RECOMPOSITION PHASE. THAT MEANS I’M EATING AT MAINTENANCE, FOCUSING ON BUILDING AS MUCH MUSCLE AS POSSIBLE BEFORE EVENTUALLY TRANSITIONING INTO A CUT. IT’S A PHASE THAT REQUIRES PATIENCE—SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T ALWAYS COME EASILY WHEN YOU’RE USED TO CHASING VISIBLE PROGRESS. THERE’S NO DRAMATIC DROP ON THE SCALE, NO INSTANT TRANSFORMATION. INSTEAD, IT’S SLOW, INTENTIONAL WORK. TRUSTING THAT WHAT I’M DOING TODAY IS SETTING THE FOUNDATION FOR WHAT WILL EVENTUALLY BE REVEALED ON STAGE.

BUT BEHIND THAT DISCIPLINE, THERE’S A QUIETER, MORE PERSONAL BATTLE HAPPENING.

BODY DYSMORPHIA HAS BEEN SOMETHING I’VE STRUGGLED WITH FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. AND IN A SPORT WHERE YOUR PHYSIQUE IS LITERALLY JUDGED, IT CAN AMPLIFY THOSE THOUGHTS IN WAYS I DIDN’T EXPECT. THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FEEL PROUD OF HOW FAR I’VE COME—AND DAYS WHEN I DON’T RECOGNIZE MY PROGRESS AT ALL. DAYS WHEN THE TEMPTATION TO FALL BACK INTO OLD HABITS FEELS LOUDER THAN I’D LIKE TO ADMIT.

FOR OVER 10 YEARS, I’VE BATTLED WITH BULIMIA AND BINGE EATING. IT’S SOMETHING I’VE WORKED INCREDIBLY HARD TO MOVE AWAY FROM, BUT HEALING ISN’T ALWAYS LINEAR. THIS PREP HAS CHALLENGED ME TO FACE THOSE PATTERNS HEAD-ON. TO CHOOSE GROWTH OVER CONTROL. NOURISHMENT OVER PUNISHMENT. AND PATIENCE OVER PERFECTION.

AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE DOESN’T SLOW DOWN FOR PREP. I RUN MY BRAND, KIMINI, COMPLETELY ON MY OWN. EVERYTHING—IT’S ALL ME. AND ON TOP OF THAT, I WORK FULL TIME ON THE NIGHT SHIFT. MOST DAYS, MY SCHEDULE FEELS BACKWARDS. I’M TRAINING ON LITTLE SLEEP, EATING MEALS AT ODD HOURS, AND TRYING TO FIND BALANCE IN A ROUTINE THAT DOESN’T ALWAYS FEEL BALANCED.

IT’S EASY TO ROMANTICIZE “DOING IT ALL,” BUT THE REALITY IS, IT’S HARD. THERE ARE MOMENTS WHERE EVERYTHING FEELS HEAVY—PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. MOMENTS WHERE THE LACK OF SLEEP, THE PRESSURE, AND THE EXPECTATIONS START TO BUILD UP. AND THOSE ARE OFTEN THE MOMENTS WHEN OLD THOUGHTS TRY TO CREEP BACK IN.

THERE WAS ALSO A POINT WHERE MY BODY FORCED ME TO REALLY LISTEN. I LOST MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE FOR ABOUT FOUR MONTHS. AT FIRST, IT WAS EASY TO BRUSH IT OFF OR NORMALIZE IN THE CONTEXT OF FITNESS, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNEW IT WAS A SIGN THAT SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT. GETTING MY CYCLE BACK BECAME A PRIORITY, AND THAT MEANT MAKING CHANGES—EATING MORE, REDUCING STRESS, AND LETTING GO OF THE IDEA THAT MY BODY ALWAYS HAD TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY.

AND YES, MY BODY CHANGED BECAUSE OF IT.

THAT WASN’T EASY TO ACCEPT AT FIRST. IN A WORLD WHERE “LEANER” IS OFTEN PRAISED, CHOOSING HEALTH OVER AESTHETICS CAN FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT IT WAS NECESSARY. IT WAS THE REMINDER I NEEDED THAT LONG-TERM HEALTH MATTERS MORE THAN SHORT-TERM APPEARANCE. THAT A STRONG BODY IS ONE THAT’S FUNCTIONING, NOURISHED, AND SUPPORTED—NOT DEPRIVED.

WHAT I KEEP COMING BACK TO IS THIS: EVERYTHING I’M DOING HAS A PURPOSE.

EVERY MEAL I EAT IS FUELING STRENGTH. EVERY WORKOUT IS BUILDING THE PHYSIQUE I’VE ENVISIONED. EVERY MOMENT I CHOOSE TO STAY GROUNDED INSTEAD OF GIVING IN TO OLD HABITS IS A STEP FORWARD—NOT JUST AS AN ATHLETE, BUT AS A PERSON.

STEPPING ON STAGE ISN’T JUST ABOUT AESTHETICS FOR ME. IT’S ABOUT PROVING TO MYSELF THAT I CAN PURSUE SOMETHING DEMANDING WITHOUT LOSING MYSELF IN THE PROCESS. THAT I CAN BUILD MY BODY WITHOUT BREAKING IT. THAT DISCIPLINE AND SELF-RESPECT CAN EXIST IN THE SAME SPACE.

IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN JOURNEY—WHETHER IT’S FITNESS, HEALING, OR BOTH—I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALONE IN THE HARD MOMENTS. PROGRESS ISN’T ALWAYS VISIBLE. STRENGTH ISN’T ALWAYS LOUD. AND SOMETIMES THE BIGGEST WINS ARE THE ONES NO ONE ELSE SEES.

I’M LEARNING TO TRUST THE PROCESS. TO GIVE MY BODY TIME. AND TO BELIEVE THAT WHEN I FINALLY STEP ON THAT STAGE, IT WILL REPRESENT SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST HOW I LOOK.

IT WILL REPRESENT EVERYTHING I CHOSE NOT TO GIVE UP ON.